I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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