im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
