Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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