1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
