I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
