You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
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First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
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I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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