btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
