Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
