The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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