I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize