I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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