i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
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I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
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That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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