Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
