im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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