I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
