Please, let me fuck your mom
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Randomize
