I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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