Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
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just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
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What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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