I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
