The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
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When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
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One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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