It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
