i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
