I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
