i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
