There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
