I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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