mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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