i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
