Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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