why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
