So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
