I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.