If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring