Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum