I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
