So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Found the puke drawer
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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