If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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