Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
