I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just puked most of my soul out..
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
