Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
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he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
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Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE