btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
