Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.