Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
