I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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