Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
