My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
