I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
