we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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