Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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