Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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