I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
