today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
