I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
