Well apparently he's into motor boating.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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