If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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