marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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