nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
