I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
