I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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