I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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