If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
