Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
