i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
