the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
