go do what you do best...puke behind churches
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
