great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
