Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
